We Put the FUN in Dysfunction | These are Days

I had a family barbecue at my house on Sunday to celebrate Labor Day and my dad?s 72nd birthday. It sure looks like we had fun, doesn?t it?

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When I write here, I like to write nice things. I try to put a positive spin on every story I have to tell. But the reality is, this blog is about my life, and my life is far from perfect. I wish I could say that we had the ideal family party, that we had loads of fun and that we can?t wait to do it all again. The truth is, I?m not sure I want to do it all again.

Last week was insane. I don?t know where the time went. I was ready to welcome in the three-day holiday weekend. My sister and I had talked a week ago and agreed on having a family party. Mom and Dad will be leaving for Arizona for the winter in early November. We need to embrace family time as much as possible while they are still here. My sister hosted the last family party in July. It was my turn. I agreed to have everyone over to our house in spite of the fact that I would get no help from my own family in preparing for this party. Work and school schedules meant I was on my own in getting ready. And that was fine. Sometimes it?s easier for me to get things done when I have the place to myself and no one to trip over in the process.

The one blessing in all of this is that my darling daughter, Kacey, surprised me by coming home from school on Friday night, even though she had told me not to expect her. She had a sudden?change of heart and wanted to be here to help me prepare for the party.

I spent all day Saturday cleaning house, shopping for food and drink, cooking and preparing whatever could be done ahead of time. And by Sunday afternoon, I was ready. My sister came early to help with last-minute preparation. She brought the most beautiful homemade birthday cupcakes and two kinds of ice cream. She also brought homemade pico de gallo and guacamole with two kinds of tortilla chips. We cracked open a couple of beers and put the finishing touches in place just as the rest of the family began to arrive.

The nieces and nephews headed straight for the back yard to play. The adults got comfortable on the deck, under the shade of the canopy, or inside around the kitchen table, in the air conditioning. I got busy at the grill with burgers, brats and hot dogs and we were soon enjoying a summer feast.

We?did?have fun, but there were also several less-than-fun moments. There were several downright uncomfortable moments. I know no family is perfect. I know every family has some degree of stress and dysfunction. I love my family, but I am frustrated with them right now. I wish that we could get together and have conversations where we express interest in each others lives and where we celebrate our differences. Instead, too much of the talk centers on putting one another down. I guess using sarcastic humor while putting someone down makes it okay.

Why can?t we be happy for each other? Why can?t we recognize that we are all at different stages in life, each accomplishing different things. We?re not in competition with each other. Why do the good things that happen to one of us have to make another feel as if something is lacking in their own life? We all invest our time, energy and money into the things that make us happy. For one family, that means owning a beautiful camper and camping trips with the family, or having kids involved in sports. Another likes to fish, owns a boat and has created a pretty impressive beer-brewing hobby. Someone else is into music, instruments and bands, photography and culinary adventures. For my family, it?s hunting, fishing, bowling, and ways to improve our home and yard. We all?choose?to spend our money on those things. And if that means not being able to afford airfare for a family vacation, it?doesn?t?mean you get to put someone else down because they?can?afford to do just that.

Hosting a family party takes a lot of time and energy. And it costs money. It costs at least a couple hundred dollars to buy food and drinks to serve all of us just for a casual event. Bigger events, like Christmas and Thanksgiving cost even more. And I?m happy to do it. I wouldn?t do it if I couldn?t manage it. But it?s frustrating to me that I have three siblings, but there is only one other who ever hosts the family parties. So when I put forth the time and money to have my family to my house, it?s hurtful to me when someone needs to make an over-the-top complaint about the squeaky hinges on my cooler as I?m frantically trying to grill food for twenty-some people. Instead of trying to embarrass me in front of everyone, why not just ask me where you can find the WD-40 and take care of it?

I wish I could say that having a sibling-in-law abruptly leave the party due to a loud and embarrassing argument with her spouse is a unique and rare occurrence. It?s not.

I?m frustrated by the rude and condescending tone I received from a young nephew while I was simply trying to ask what was going on in his world. A parent was nearby and said nothing.?I wonder if such an attitude from a young child is the natural result of what these kids witness among us adults.

I?m frustrated by the fact that some of the nephews dumped bottled water out on the grass so they could fill the bottles with pop from the 2-liter bottles that were available. If your kids are young enough to do such things, I think you?re obligated to keep an eye out and be aware. Correct this kind of behavior. Please don?t make me be the spoil-sport auntie.

And I certainly don?t think I need to be ostracized because there aren?t enough photos of my brother in my digital photo frame. Really? How many pictures of?me?are there in your house? Probably none. And I don?t care!?I do not expect my siblings to have pictures of me in their homes. What a ridiculous thing to get upset over.

I love my family. I think it?s important for us to spend as much time together as possible while we can. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Family time will always be a priority for me, but my family will have to forgive me if I change the way I approach making it happen. If I am going to spend my time and money putting together a big family party, only to have it ruined in little ways, I?m not going to continue opening myself up to the disappointment.

I wish I could laugh this off. I wish I could say that I thought it was possible for all of us to talk about this like adults and soften ourselves toward each other. But I know us and it won?t happen. Too much honesty will only make this worse.

Well, at least there?s plenty of time between now and Thanksgiving to forget how frustrated I am.

Source: http://intomystic.wordpress.com/2012/09/03/we-put-the-fun-in-dysfunction/

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