future travel: Learning from little girls: when bad behavior is good ? governingana

The other day I finally got to drop by the new faculty members? home, while he was gone doing all sorts of moving-related things, and deliver the good-but-no-longer-needed items.? I?d planned to chat with his daughters for perhaps 15-30 minutes, long enough to see if we liked each other but not long enough to be awkward.? Even though he was very happy (and appreciative) of me visiting to be with them while he was away, I did want to be careful about boundaries.

When did I actually leave?? More than four hours later.? I got up several times to leave, and one or other of the girls would say, ?Oh no, we love having you here.?? I was very surprised to see N, the older girl (13) not only use wonderful social graces but also talk intelligently (and very interestingly) about everything from Jane Austen to poetry forms to travel abroad to peace in a diverse society to what constitutes a family.? Yeah.? 13.? *I* had to mentally scrabble a bit now and then to keep up with her, and (arrogant as it sounds) that doesn?t happen very often even with academic big-shot types.? Y, her little sister (9), was an absolutely enchanting mixture of younger-sister sassiness, affection, and desire to engage but not demanding center attention.? I braided her hair, but not until I asked several times and her sister reassured her that it was okay and she didn?t have to be polite and say no.? As I was braiding Y?s hair, she told us that she loves people to play with her hair because it makes her think that people like it.? So cute and unselfconscious!? For the record, her hair was thick and dark, shiny and smooth and very fun to play with.

We played card games, talked about their new schools, talked about their home and their family, and by the time I left Y was up in her room upset and refusing to come out because her dad (who had come home by then and insisted that they needed to stop playing games so they could eat an extraordinarily late lunch) had put a stop to the playing and refused to yield to her desire to have sushi for lunch two days in a row.? I then slipped out because they needed some privacy to figure out how to deal with things, but honestly I found it charming to be with a little girl who was so wholly a little girl.? Sweet, fun, bubbly, entertaining, demanding, upset, and so very unafraid to be herself.? Stubborn, too.? ? Her older sister was very much herself, too, but in a quieter way.? So self-assured at such a young age.

I am not sure if girls from their home country are all that amazing or if this is just a really special family.? I asked them if their friends all got along so well with their own siblings, and the little one giggled and said one of her friends? older sisters slapped her (her friend).? It was as if it were something funny because they couldn?t imagine why anyone would do something like that.? It was also sweet to see the older sister go to check on the little sister to make sure she was okay.? When I was that age, if I had been upset and retreated to my room I am honestly not sure if anyone would have noticed.? N and her dad were not about to give in by letting Y dictate what they would do and what they would eat (the sushi that Y wanted was very expensive), but they cared and understood that she was rightfully upset because their dad was so late getting home (not his fault, problems with the moving stuff) that their lunch had been delayed 4 hours and being that hungry would make anyone cross.? I?d tried to offer to get the girls something, but they didn?t know me well enough to accept.

It was such a sweet and unexpected afternoon.? I?d hoped and longed for us to like each other, of course, but I thought especially with the older sister that it would take a great deal of time.? They may have been especially sweet because their mom is still back home taking care of some things and won?t join them for almost two more weeks.? To be away from family and friends and missing especially their mom?and dad going crazy trying to set up their new home and get them sorted out with everything?it is a tough time for everyone.? How lucky that I got to be the recipient of their attention.

I do feel a bit weird hoping that others at school won?t find out that I went over there (getting the wrong idea and perhaps thinking I sucked up to get an academic advantage), but I remind myself that I will never take a class with their dad (because I am moving into dissertation phase that means no more classes) and that other students drink and sleep with professors (and I mean in my department, not just generally).? Yes, I went over there because I have been lonely and wishing for children to play with?but?is that so very wrong?

I have been thinking a lot about Y, the little sister, and how her childishness was so endearing because she wasn?t trying to be someone or something she was not.? I thought back to all the times that I refused to answer D?s question or assumed that I knew what she was saying or doing to me before I?d even heard her.? Y was naughty to be sassy to her dad (told him ?Bye!!? Bye!!!!? as he was trying to get her to decide what to eat for lunch), but there were things going on that made her naughtiness understandable.? Even her dad said that it was only to be expected that she would be upset (even as he scolded her a little for being *so* sassy).

I thought about all the times that I have compounded whatever I did wrong by then getting angry, defensive, protective, or even secretive.? Instead of just saying this is all bothering me and trusting that D will make the right decision, I already have decided that she will judge/punish/restrict me and then stonewall her so that she can?t.

Y, in some ways, knows better how to be a good girl than I do.? Even if she was the one sulking in her room and refusing to come out, she didn?t play complicated games with herself trying to hide things.

I wonder, if you didn?t get the security and trust in order to do that as a child, if it is possible to learn how as an adult?

It is a paradox that sometimes the harder I work to be good, the worse my behavior gets.